Have wanted to broach this subject with you since the beginning, as it is the primary reason that I am the man that I’m becoming today. But in some ways it is harder than telling you about my crime. I guess it is a matter of credibility. I mean I am a convicted felon and serving a life-sentence, who wouldn’t find God right? But the truth of the matter is that I have found God and with it, the ability to cleanse the demons that are/were within me. I am asking all of you, who have seen my previous sincerity, to believe this.
I have always considered myself to have mental and physical strength. I relied on no one but myself and maybe family. I did not believe in God. I was an atheist for 20+ years. I believed in the moral teachings of the Bible but, a higher power, any higher power, was just not a part of my belief system. I was trapped by logic and science and nothing I saw or heard could sway me.
So when it came time for me to decide whether or not that I would hurt my children, I had given myself nowhere to turn. Don’t get me wrong, I now know that God was there, I just refused to see Him. When I came to prison, my belief (unbelief) seemed only to be strengthened.
In 2004 (circa), I witnessed my first miracle. It totally shocked me because I knew I had done nothing to merit it. My ex-wife, who had every reason to hate me forever, wrote to me and expressed that she forgave me. I mean, how could that be? I remember how in court she broke down in pain-filled sobs when she had found out what I’d done and how she had to be helped from the court room. I remember her words of anger and pain when I last talked to her on the phone that same day. I remember the pain that I continued to put her through because of my selfish feelings when I first got here. But still, despite all these reasons to hate or at the very least strongly dislike me, she wrote to me and gave me. She did not like or condone what I did. She felt that I should be punished. But she followed Jesus’ will and forgave me. I held her in such awe. It was a turning point in my life. I didn’t just suddenly find God then. Did not even recognize it for the miracle it was at the time. I knew that I held her in a little awe for her faith, but I was not ready to profess undying faith to God.
Then, in 2006, I went to church. Church in prison is one of the only places where everyone from every different part can mingle. So I went to church to talk to another inmate about a shady deal. However, I’ve always been one to respect where I am at, so I participated in the class. In it, I saw a glimpse of the path that God wanted to set before me. But I had a ways to go to being a believer even though God was moving in my life since 2004. I started going back. It was a year-long class; it took me 3 ½ years to complete. My efforts were curtailed by worldly matters that I was not ready to let go of. Eventually though, I came to find my faith in God.
I am not the same man that I was before. I was not strong enough on my own; I see that now. God kept putting people in my life, prior to my offending and even after, who were strong of faith, in an effort to bring me to Him before it was too late. But I would not listen. But now that I am here, I know that I will never be alone again. In the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, God, I have found my protector. I have seen miracles, even here in this seemingly Godless place. I can’t do it alone and now I don’t have to.
Wish that I could show you this world that I have found, that has taken hate from my heart. How I have come to learn what love really is, because, man I had it really f****d up. I pray everyday, I pray for all of those that I hurt with my actions; I pray for those who have wronged me; I pray for our world and those who need to forgive and be forgiven. I pray because it scares me to think that my actions might have caused anyone to turn from God and thereby not go to heaven.
My family and friends (from before prison), if they were to read this, would laugh and tell you that this is just some b******t. That is how adamant I used to be in my denial of God. And I can’t blame them for it. The only thing that I can do is to let the rest of my life, whether it is in here or wherever, be a testament to this change that God has wrought in me.
Do you wonder how my conversion is relevant to my purpose for this site? My faith is what told me that it was time to start paying this debt I owe. All that I’ve done here, and everywhere else, has been guided by God. Without God, I would not be this new man that I am becoming. The point is, to all of you, victim, offenders, society, that God tests all of us in various ways. But always He is there and once you put your heart with His, you will never be alone. He will be there to help you whenever you might stumble. Call upon Him, He is waiting for you. (Note: I am Catholic, but by “God” I mean whatever higher power that you profess. Faith, hope and love are the key).
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