If the person that I hurt were to tell me at any time that their life would be better if I were dead, then I would be dead. Even so, it is a struggle not to end it sometimes. The main reason is that I feel I owe it to her to take my punishment like a man. Especially since I did not have what it took to be a true man out there in the free world. Man, have I wanted to die. She doesn't deserve that guilt. It is not her fault that I am here. But, f&%#, what am I supposed to do now? Just sit and rot? Truthfully, what do you think a prisoner should do? Can I make this tragedy that I perpetrated become something that can be used to save others? In the end, what I think means nothing. In the end, only you decide. I read the following: "Is life supposed to stop because you did something horrible? I'll tell you the real horrible truth. No matter what you did, life doesn't give a f&%# that you're sorry or upset or deranged or tormented. Life just goes on and you gotta go on with it or sit in the middle of the road and feel sorry for yourself." Blue Moon by L. K. Hamilton That is inspiration for me, who wants to give up every other day or so, it seems. But I am about to change all that - as we go on this journey, we may see or hear things that we don't really want to know. I mean, it is easier to put our head down and pretend nothing is there. But, hey, if I can do this, and believe me, I am scared s*&^%$ss even writing this, you can do this with me. I'm doing this, putting my life on the line, for you. Next, I am going to start with info on this subject.
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